The Armchair Astrologer Interview Series: Scorpio Edition (Double Trouble) by Elizabeth Nelson

I’ve always been big on believing.

In second grade my teacher passed out little plastic American flags to the whole class. I shoved mine into one of the posts at the foot of my bed so I could gaze at it every night, thinking patriotic thoughts as I fell asleep. Mrs. Gross told us that good citizens respected our flag and treated it with utmost reverence, and I believed her.

My mother, a lifelong member of the type of pacifist church where the congregation holds fraught post-potluck meetings over whether or not to allow flags in the sanctuary, was not impressed with my new-found patriotism, so I split the difference and slapped a laminated picture of Jesus on the other bedpost.

Every night I climbed into bed, put my hand over my heart, and said the pledge of allegiance. Then I steepled my hands together, bowed my head, said a prayer, and snuggled down under my Strawberry Shortcake comforter with a flashlight to read Nancy Drew mysteries until the battery died.

Over the years I found other things to fixate on – the Lüscher Color Test, numerology, Chinese astrology, Cosmo quizzes, and of course, regular old astrology. I was hungry for something to believe in, a way of ordering the world so it made sense. I thought that if I could figure out the secret to how everything worked, I’d be able to locate myself on the map. You Are Here.

Turns out, there isn’t a secret. Or maybe Rhonda Byrne is right and there is one but it’s already inside you, like Dorothy and the ruby slippers. Wherever you go, there you are, and all that. In any case, I never outgrew my obsession with astrology.

When we were kids my sister and I would walk to the 7-11 at the end of our street to buy candy and those little rolled-up horoscopes they keep by the register, eagerly awaiting each new edition and poring over them for hours as we nibbled our Skor bars. Now, I follow Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone tweets and read her forecast religiously every month.

I don’t care what anyone says – I believe.

On that note, I’m excited to introduce The Armchair Astrologer Interview Series. Each month, I’ll interview someone born under the current sun sign and analyze their answers with my highly subjective, anecdotal-evidence-based astrological knowledge.

First up, my own sign: Scorpio.

Born between October 23 and November 21, we are water signs, fixed and feminine. That means we are extremely loyal, we are resistant to change, we’re sensitive and secretive, and we swim around in the depths of our own emotions a good bit of the time. We’re powerful and seductive and if you cross us, you’ll be sorry. We sting.

Interview with a Scorpio (actually, two):

I won’t claim that I can always tell what sign someone is just by reading her Twitter feed, but I was pretty certain that Adrienne (aka @raulduke72 ) and her twin sister Amy (@cloverjones76) were Scorpios as soon as I saw their smoldering avatars.

Identical twin sisters and self-professed best friends, their sometimes-cryptic, always-witty Twitter banter will make you long for a twin of your very own to tweet Leonard Cohen lyrics at you and titillate your followers with references to “sibling revelry.”

Adrienne 

Are you a good liar?

Yes. But I feel badly about it.

What’s the best thing about you?

My charisma and contagious sense of fun. I also have a lovely singing voice.

Do you have a bad temper?

I have a hair-trigger temper that can go off with little to no warning, but it blows over as quickly as it goes off. And I only lose it with people I love.

 Do you think people like you?

For the most part, yes. Those who don’t usually can’t understand or handle all this “FLAVAH!” Seriously, though – my first inclination with people is to like them, and if you like me, I generally like you! I JUST NEED TO BE LOVED!!

Are you easily fooled?

My father once told me that if you look up the word gullible in the dictionary, my picture would be next to it.

Can you keep a secret?

Surprisingly, yes. I have often been tempted to share other people’s secrets with my twin sister, Amy. But it has recently come to my attention that the girl can’t keep her trap shut!

Do you often have trouble sleeping? 

Oh, Lordy, YES! I have terrible sleep anxiety. I usually can’t fall asleep without a sleep aid, but once I do fall asleep I can sleep for ten or twelve hours, easy.

What annoys you most about other people?

When they don’t like me and are rude to me. Also, slow walkers and inefficiency.

What annoys you most about yourself?

Sometimes I tend to lapse into my “Poor little me,” “Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands,” cycle of inertia. I just need to pick myself up, instead of wallowing in self-indulgent self pity.

Would you be friends with yourself?

Of course I would. I’m a very good friend.

The Armchair Astrologer says:

Keeping secrets, telling lies and having a hot temper are all very Scorpion-like characteristics. Or I should say, being able to keep a secret or tell a convincing lie –Scorpios like to be in control, so being able to manipulate the truth and play things close to the vest are vital coping skills for us.

I don’t think of Scorpios as being gullible, but then again, I’m extremely gullible too. I’m going to chalk that up to something in our rising signs or some rogue planet or other.

“Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands” might be the perfect Scorpio theme song – trust Adrienne to nail that. Your eyes like smoke and your prayers like rhymes , your saintlike face and your ghostlike soul . . . who among them do you think could destroy you? (Sadly, Dylan is a Gemini – not a good match for Scorpio at all.)

Being a good friend is typical Scorpio behavior, as is being enraged by slow walkers. Or maybe that’s just a New Yorker thing.

Amy 

Are you a good liar?                      

I’m a good liar when it comes to people who don’t know me very well, but it’s very hard for me to put one over on family and close friends. I will usually eventually break down and admit the truth to them anyway.

What’s the best thing about you?  

I am I very open person. I’m always seeking out new experiences and people, always looking for the fun in situations. I think I generally have my priorities in order. I’m a good mother, very loyal and am always there for my friends and family.

Do you have a bad temper?

Not really. I actually tend to keep my feelings in. But once in a while they all bottle up and explode. My sister knows about that!

Do you think people like you?

Yes, in general I think most people like me. Occasionally there are a few exceptions, but I have always been told I have a good energy and am good company to be around.

Are you easily fooled?  

I can be, especially when I was younger. I took a lot of things at face value. Now I am a little more discerning and it has helped me in all areas of my life, especially in my romantic relationships.

Can you keep a secret?

I admit I am HORRIBLE at keeping a secret! There are a few really big secrets I have managed to keep, but I generally slip up along the way. I speak before I think a lot.

Do you often have trouble sleeping?

Not too much. I am so busy with work and my two sons that I am usually pretty tired. Only if I’m really stressed or hyped up about something will it be difficult for me to sleep.

 What annoys you most about other people?

People who are bitter and feel entitled, but won’t do anything to change their situation. Also people who take life too seriously and don’t or can’t find the joy and fun in it.

What annoys you most about yourself?

I tend to get obsessive about minor things and am constantly replaying situations in my mind, wondering if I should have said or done something differently. I also plan ahead way in advance and become a little OCD about logistical stuff.

Would you be friends with yourself?

Of course! Especially considering my best friend is my twin sister, and she is the person most like me I know.

The Armchair Astrologer says:

Scorpios are supposed to be such good secret-keepers that I used to doubt my true Scorpion nature because, like Amy, I’m a blabbermouth – but there are always multiple factors at play in our charts so  I say this definitely doesn’t disprove the validity of astrology. Silence, doubters!

In true Scorpio fashion, Amy is loyal to the core, has an explosive temper (even if it happens rarely, the point is – it happens), and obsesses over small things. Luckily, it doesn’t keep her up at night, but that’s probably because she’s a mom and like she said – moms are TIRED.

Like her sister, she’s fun and outgoing with energy that attracts people to her. Sometimes people think of Scorpios as dark and brooding, and while that can certainly be true, it isn’t always the case.

In my experience, no sign is as magnetic and charming as Scorpio. We can be very playful, bobbing and floating with you on the surface. Just be careful, because we can pull you under if we want to – and before you know it, you’ll be drowning.

A huge thank-you to Adrienne and Amy for playing along and answering my questions! Join me next month when we pick apart Sagittarius: the sign that’s hard to spell and even harder to pin down.

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Elizabeth Laura Nelson lives in Brooklyn with two daughters, occasional roaches, and the specter of a long-promised dog. She runs a 9-minute mile, bakes a mean chocolate chip cookie, and can always be persuaded to get up and sing at a karaoke bar. Follow her on Twitter @AnotherAnnie and tell her your sign, baby.

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Comments

  1. I love all three of you, but you gotta count me as one of those annoying non-believers. Is it unusual for a Scorpio to be a skeptic?

  2. In my highly professional opinion, YES, it is unusual. Scorpios throw themselves into all sorts of belief systems with single-minded passion. Maybe something is awry in your twelfth house . . . (j/k I have no idea). You’ve got to believe in something though, Allan – so what is it?

  3. I thought so.

  4. I love that song, you guys. No irony.

  5. This is wonderful and so funny, Elizabeth! Thank you so much for asking me to be part of it. ❤❤
    Love, Adrienne AKA twin #1

  6. I have considered writing an article called “astrology rules my love life” for a while but fear being judged. I have my sun and rising signs tattooed on my wrists!

  7. Adrienne, you remind me of myself, and Amy, you remind me of my mom (that is a huge compliment!). You guys are like opposite sides of a coin–totally similar and attached but with significant differences. Also like me and my mom (I’m a pisces and she’s a virgo). Great article! Xx

  8. I love this! Elizabeth, it’s always great to see your writing (and your tweets!) I always wanted to buy those little rolled-up horoscopes but my folks wouldn’t let me. WOE.

  9. I had so much fun writing this – so glad you guys liked reading it. I can talk astrology for hours on end. I just love it so much!

    • Elizabeth: Great article. My “real life” friends who have read it think it it very well written, flattering, and accurate. Kudos and again many thanks for giving me and my sister the opportunity to be your first subjects.

  10. Thanks again for making us the first subjects of your column Elizabeth. To paraphrase one of my best friends who read it. The article was very well written, flattering, and extremely accurate in your analysis of us. Kudos, job well done!!

    • I just basically double posted because I thought the first one didn’t go through. Oh well. Twin posts from a twin, with a slight variation on a theme. Whoops!

  11. So happy your friends liked it – thanks for being such fun and willing subjects!

  12. My website isn’t up yet- that’s a Sag for you! I always remember from my Astrology Bible re: Sag, “Words writ on water”, & if anything is more true than that, it’s that Cancer analogy, “Like getting gum off your shoe!”! As I was reading this interview, I kept doubting their answers, as Scorpio girls can manufacture anything- why they’re so great w the keeping of secrets. That thing about being a rube, oh come ON- Scorpios ALWAYS know what time it is! Gullible, schmullible. That’s MY job, trying hard to outgrow it by doubting everything, whether or not it matters. O, but this doesn’t mean I dislike Scorpios! My own granny was born the same day you were, & she caused my crazy tendency to be affectionate ( until 3rd grade, I kissed any friend near me, on the cheek, repeatedly- oh BROTHER, did I learn to check myself!). Though my granny was THE Scorpio, the Gangsta’, Wearer of the Trousers, she got everything she wanted, right up til the moment she breathed her last. And I ADMIRE that in a girl, as a person who has no clue where I’m going in this life. Sure you wanna interview ME for this column? See above, that says it all!

    • Oh- & hi Elizabeth- betcha didn’t know this is Caity! This site forced me to make a password, but I already HAVE a WordPress password, though of course I had no idea what it was, had to dig through several notebooks to find it… I was in the process of setting up a blog, but then I was bored, though I need the password, still, in order to comment on Sage’s blog. I think I knew a blog for me would be a DISASTER! Lapidary is my new favorite word- now if only I could learn to be a LAPIDARY writer… My blog was gonna be called something w the word Blabulous in it, I forget.

      • Ha! I’d know you anywhere, Caity. Yes of course I want you for my Sag column – I just may have to edit you down a little. I don’t know what lapidary means – I’m going to go look it up. And I disagree that Scorpios can never be gullible. You overestimate us! I decidedly do NOT know what time it is all the time, or even half the time. I’m Sagittarius rising though, did you know that? Got to be something in that, right?

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