R Kelly’s “Real Talk” is the new Rickroll

Did you know (or even care) that R. Kelly’s new album “Write Me Back” drops today? And that he’s got 32 more chapters of his R&B opera “Trapped in the Closet” planned that involve an alien, because 22 just wasn’t enough?

My personal relationship with the career of R. Kelly rivals my complicated love-hate feelings towards Kanye West. The whole “maybe peed on an underage girl” thing is creepy as fuck (yeah, I know he was acquitted, that’s why I say maybe) and I still can’t make up my mind about whether “Trapped In The Closet” is a brilliant piece of comedy, or a bizarro ego wank that went on waaaay too long. He nicknamed himself as the “Pied Piper of R&B” which kind of makes it sound like he leads children to certain doom (but again, acquitted.)

Nevertheless, I appreciate  R.’s willingness to go the extra mile of weird in his creative career (including the confusing “remix” 3:38 into “I’m a Flirt”– does he even get that a remix by definition isn’t part of the original song?) And the man did write “I Believe I Can Fly” which remains a junior high dance staple of everyone born in the 80s, and has been used to great comic effect since:


Cecelia and I have this thing- I can’t remember when it started, where we’ll be talking, and one of us drops a hard truth, and the other is then compelled to proclaim “Real Talk!” in an R. Kelly falsetto. It got to the point where I’d just start leaving the link to this video in facebook comment threads, even when it barely made sense.

If you haven’t seen the “Real Talk behind the scenes” video we are referencing, watch it now:

Real Talk is a classic “argument with your girl about being up in da club” ballad along the lines of Riskay’s “Smell Yo’ Dick” and Spoken Reason’s “Asking All Them Questions” (both well worth watching, btw) with R. talking to his girlfriend on the phone in his studio, clad in a  hoodie bedazzled with skulls, taking shots of Patron while a hairdresser fixes an unraveled braid, and well…He seems a bit unraveled in general as he completely loses his shit, and punctuates every outburst with “REAL TALK!”

And watch your mouth, fuck me, girl fuck you,
I don’t give a fuck about what you talking about
I’m sick of this bullshit…
I’m coming home and getting my shit and getting the fuck out of Dodge
you ain’t gotta worry about me no more and…
the next time your ass get horny go fuck one of your funky ass friends shh
hell you probably already doing that shit
anyway you’re gonna burn what…
BITCH I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes…
with yo trifling ass
MILTON…you bogus girl…
MILTON…start your car and warm it up and get ready to take me home…
this bitch then lost her motherfucking mind…


The video somehow culminates in a brawl between several unidentified guys lurking in the background, and R. yelling “TURN OFF THE CAMERA!” Weirdest. R&B Video. Ever.

But I just can’t stop with the “REAL TALK!” Because, well…R. Kelly does have a point. It’s just the perfect way to punctuate just about anything.

Cecelia’s even thinking about getting “Real Talk” tattooed on on her knuckles so she can just flash it whenever a truth is spoken. Real talk.

One a vaguely related note, I just had the disturbing realization that R. Kelly is Charlie from Lost’s African American doppelganger. Or maybe I’m just insane.

Read more from Bianca James here!


  1. shannonhumphreys says:

    This gave me the LOLZ hardcore. Personally, I think R. Kelly is a little bit batshit insane, but I am quite forgiving of this trait in musicians. I feel the same way about Kanye and Courtney Love. I mean, I don’t know, I kind of love it?

  2. R. Kelly and Charlie are total face twins. So are Britney Spears and Pedro Martinez. http://baseball.dailyskew.com/2009/01/pedro-martinez-still-unemployed-talking.html

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