Dear Ms. Behaved: Is Three a Crowd or a Party? & A Meddling Mom Takes to Facebook

Dear Ms Behaved,

My husband of three years recently introduced the idea of a threesome. He said he doesn’t have anyone in mind but thought it would be exciting. I’m torn. I trust my husband. We have open, honest communication and a great relationship so I’m not worried that he is thinking of cheating. Before we met, I thought might be fun to be with a woman, but I never acted on it. It was more of a college fantasy.  I’m afraid if I agree to do this than I may ruin a wonderful marriage.  Do you think I should take a risk and have some fun or leave things well enough alone?  I would be devastated if my husband left me for a woman I invited into the bedroom.

– Thinking About a Three Way

Dear Three Way,

I’ll be honest with you; I have some ideas about threesomes, but have never had one.  I would say in this situation, you should get to dictate the rules of engagement if you decide to go through with it. The fact that he gets to participate means he’s already gotten his fantasy fulfilled so all decisions about how it goes down are yours.

Take some time to think about how you see this playing out. Do you want the other girl to be a friend or a stranger? How far is your husband allowed to go with this girl? Can he kiss her? Can he go down on her? Can he have sex with her? Or can he only have sex with you, while you two girls go at it?  Most importantly, are you going to be okay seeing your man with another woman? To me these questions need to be talked about before even thinking about actually going forward.

But as I said, I’ve never had a threesome so I decided to get a man’s opinion. I read the response to your question to my friend Blue, and he totally disagreed with me on the rules being set by the woman. (Of course he did, he’s a man.) Here’s what he had to say:

“That’s total bullshit that she gets to call all the shots. You can’t tell me if there’s a naked chick in my bed who’s there for a threesome that I can’t eat her pussy or fuck her.(Blue is always honest. I never said he was subtle.) If the woman is willing to do it than she needs to just do it and not ruin all the fun with a bunch of rules.”

Out of my own curiosity I asked Blue what he would think if his wife or girlfriend was willing to have a threesome. His response was, “Back in the day when I was screwing around, I was all for threesomes. They were a good time, but looking back on some of the damage that was caused, jealousies and expectations; if I really loved a woman I wouldn’t have one.  It’s not worth the risk of losing a good thing. For me, you have a threesome with a chick you just hang out it with. You don’t have one with your wife.”

Well, knock me over with a feather! Never in a million years did I expect that answer from him. I was prepared to hear all about how thrilled he would be to be married the coolest chick ever.  I guess when it comes to a threesome you can never presume what the individual feelings will be. Make sure before doing anything that you are in touch with your own.

Dear Ms. Behaved,

My mother is driving me crazy! I’m a single woman with career I love and wonderful friends. I’m happy with my life and don’t know if I ever want to get married and have kids but my mother won’t get off my back about it. She is constantly trying to set me up with some guy and rubbing it in my face that my sister has a husband and kids. I’m really happy for my sister, but I wouldn’t trade places with her for anything.

Now my mother is on Facebook and commenting on the photos of all my male friends. She writes stuff like, “Is he single? Hint hint.” It’s so embarrassing. I don’t know what to do. I love my mother and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I’m about to snap and go off.

– Becky

Dear Becky,

No one wants to hurt their parent’s feelings but at this point your mother needs to knock it off. Your life is your own and like you said, you’re happy. We don’t get to choose who are parents are but we most certainly get to choose how we want to live our lives as adults. You get one shot at this life and how much you love it is up to you.  It sounds to me, like you are doing just that.

Before you snap, I would have a conversation with your mother and tell her (in a polite way) how it’s going to be. You are a grown ass woman living by your own rules. Thank her for the wonderful job she did loving you and raising you, and then tell her she needs to cut it out. If she doesn’t get the message, than delete her as a Facebook friend and tell her why.  When she promises to behave like an adult, the way you are, you can re-friend her.

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Comments

  1. Love this installment. To the woman considering a threesome, I think Jonna’s first paragraph is a little more helpful then Blue’s insight. As for Becky, yes, go have a calm convo with mom before you have an all-out screaming match. She’s totally overstepping.

  2. shannonhumphreys says:

    Yay, Jonna! I’ve had one. More than one. I’m actually with Blue on this. The one thing I’ve learned from past experimentation is that I wouldn’t engage in something like that with anyone I wanted to stay with long term. Some people can, and that’s totally cool, but I am incapable of having all those doors opened and dealing with all the feelings that are brought up in that sort of situation if you actually love one of the people involved. I’d say you have to know yourself and how likely you are to be able to deal. You can’t really control other people or how they react, so if you aren’t prepared to deal with any possible consequences, back away. Just my two cents.
    Absolutely YES to everything about Becky’s situation! Have a talk, and if that doesn’t work, use all your privacy settings or just delete. Sometimes it’s better to keep your family life separate from your friends!

  3. The first guy Jonna asked to comment on this probmel definitely isn’t offering any good advice, quite the opposite, he’s just being selfish as hell. Something like this requires -trust-, and if one person is hesitant, one of the reasons she might be hesitant is because she’s wondering if she can trust her partner. So yes, she needs to be allowed her rules, and if her partner (and also the third person) then agrees to and complies with the rules, that will increase the odds of her having a good experience, which in turn will increase the odds of this happening again, with more relaxed rules the second time!

    Or to put it another way: When it comes to sex, the pace will be dictated by the “slowest” person (if you know what I mean) by necessity. If the one who’s “faster” can’t be patient enough for this, they should find themselves a “faster” person. A “slow” partner dictating the sex life may not go well, but the “faster” person dictating it is almost a guarantee it will end badly.

    • I didn’t love Blue’s advice either, and I think that before going into a threesome or any new activity all the partners should discuss their limits and rules at length. And maintain communication throughout sexy time to ensure everyone is comfortable with what is happening. Some people might think that it would ruin the mood, but I think it would make things hotter. (Says the girl who has never had a threesome.) I’d also encourage this woman to Google search “Dan Savage” and “threesomes” and read everything he has to say on the subject. Like this for starters: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2010/03/16/sl-letter-of-the-day-a-successful-threesome

      • I checked out the Dan Savage piece and had to laugh. The very first comment from a guy quoting the reader was:

        “‘Most of all, I did not want my boyfriend to have penetrative sex with the woman—no vaginal, anal, or oral sex.’

        What the fuck kind of threesome is that? Lame.”

        I may not like some of the things Blue says, but I have a feeling he’s not the only man thinking them!

  4. I’m smelling what you are stepping in, on that! hahaha No matter how restrictive, the point is they had worked out the details and established ground rules ahead of time.

    I don’t dismiss Blue’s opinion, and I agree that he’s certainly not the only guy that thinks that way. I appreciate his candidness, for sure!

  5. I may be old fashion but i believe when you bring a third person into your relationship you are definitely going to have problems because no one knows how this experience will affect the person to whom you are committed to until after threesome is over and by that time your relationship could be over as well,so my advice is this a threesome is not worth taking the risk,i rather find others ways to bring in more pleasure to our sex life.

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