Four Ways to Serve Up Payback

Having many cringe worthy incidents under my belt, I am implementing a new policy when it comes to managing a lousy person or situation. Effective immediately. Before taking any action I will as myself, “if I do this, will I come off as mentally unstable?” It’s an important question, because it’s easy to be dismissed (especially as a woman) as “crazy.” The next time I find myself in a tenuous position, I WILL handle it with grace and integrity. If I announce it to the Internet, I must make good on it. Right? *Cough*

Maybe you’re not there yet. When wronged, it can be difficult to march out that tired, dusty, old “living well is the best revenge” crap and wait for the universe to deliver karmic retrubution. Sure, I’m soon to be sainted, but you should still be privvy to a few tricks.

I refuse to cop to doing any of the following, but if I had, I’d like to point out they are fairly benign ways to get a little chuckle:

  1. Think of a bumper sticker as a mobile “kick me” sign. It isn’t likely to be discovered for a while, but when it is, it will sting a bit. If I were still in the business, I’d choose something very adult and highbrow, like the number pictured.
  2. Hide something smelly. A shrimp in a curtain rod or sardine in a hubcap can cause hours (hopefully days) of frantic sniffing out the offending odor. That guy from OkCupid that went full-tilt hipster, insisting not only on a landline but also a rotary phone? Hide a piece of Gorgonzola in the receiver. You won’t be sorry.
  3. Unscrew the cap on the transgressor’s tire and place a small pebble against the stem and replace the cap. The air will leak out slowly, resulting in a most inconvenient flat tire. Repeat at will, choosing a different tire each time.
  4. Stick a Twinkie under the car door handle, and that rascal will get a handful of creamy center. You could use a number of unsavory substitutions, but it seems less likely that you’ll get stabbed in retaliation if you go the much-loved snack cake route. Unless you live in Florida. Sorry, Florida. (To be fair, I hail from Texas, which can be pretty darn embarrassing.)

Have you ever pulled one over on someone? What did you do and how? Tell me everything.



  1. karen beaux-barron says:

    Banana peel under someone ‘s bed for that lovely, rotting fruit smell. 🙂 I like the Twinkie idea! I also like embarrassing friends in elevators full of strangers. Captive audiences are the best!

  2. It’s too bad you can’t yell and scream at someone and just have it show up in their dreams so you don’t embarrass yourself in public.

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