Shance Sandwich: Dance Shoe Roundup

I love shoes, and I also love to dance. Sometimes I like to combine the two into an awesome shance sandwich. Dance is an interesting sport both physically and fashionably, and if you say that dance is not a sport, not only will you receive a complimentary face punch via computer screen from yours truly, but you also do not deserve to wear the most awesome dance shoes ever in the list below.

Dance Type: Hip Hop

Nike Vandal Hi-Tops in "Electrolime"

Now some of you may look at these shoes and think “My god, those are the fucking ugliest things I’ve seen since Willem Dafoe’s chin,” but you’re wrong. In hip-hop class, there is an underlying goal not only to be the best dancer, but the one wearing the most ridiculously awesome kicks. Voila.

Dance Type: Swing

G.H. Bass & Co. Oxford/Wingtip Bass Flats

If you think swing dance is for pansies, think again. Tossing flighty females (and being tossed) in multiple directions at once without missing a beat is challenging as hell, and also possibly the most fun you’ll have without touching hidden body parts. These shoes say “Hey, guess what. I’m a sassy swing dancer and I’m here to take your ass back to the ’50’s… with my moves.”

Dance Type: Salsa

Christian Louboutin Dillian Flower Pumps

I don’t know you, Christian, but if I did, I’d hug you so tight that the only way you’d be allowed to go was if you agreed to give me a pair of these damn shoes. For free. Since salsa is all about attitude and emulating sex in human form, you’ll need something equally as holy-shit-that’s-awesome on your feet. Well done, you tiny Parisian man. Well done.

Dance Type: Ballet

Capezio Red Pointe Shoes

Alright, alright. I know what you’re going to say. These shoes aren’t practical. No ballet instructor is going to be psyched that you went out and bought yourself bright red pointe shoes like an asshole simply because you’ve seen Center Stage one too many times. But come on, these are badass, so shut up.

Dance Type: Jazz/Modern/Lyrical
Go out and buy yourself a toe ring, because all practical forms of these types of shoes are boring and I refuse to be blamed for you spending $600 and immediately slipping and breaking your leg.

Dance Type: Stripper

Versace Metallic Leather Platform Sandals

Priced at $1,295, I’m pretty sure the only way you’ll ever get to wear these shoes is if you become a stripper. Look at them! Don’t they just make you want to run naked through streets made of freedom and glory? And by freedom and glory, I of course mean on top of tables of stale Bud Light on Wednesday afternoons. Whatever. To each their own. Le sigh.



  1. I would cut someone for those Nike Vandals. Ha! Just kidding, I would never cut another human being. Unless they refused to give me those kicks, yo.

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