Stupid #$%^ Guys Say on Dating Sites by Brittany Bitchsmith

Have you ever gotten a response to your online dating profile that was so outrageous you wanted to send it to all your friends so they’d get a laugh? Then maybe the partnered ones would go home appreciative of their significant others and have great sex that night– which based on principles of karma, would mean that you, too, would also have great sex soon?

Well, one such opportunity fell into my inbox today and I thought I’d share it. The following online dating profile responses have been modified to protect any copyrights and stuff that the online dating site may have and to also protect the poor, sorry son-of-a-bitch who wrote them:

Guy Who Should Have Thought Twice:

Wow! You have some huge, self-centered issues. You are making life a pain for yourself by assuming you’ll someday find someone who is the ideal definition of an image in your head which can’t and will never exist in reality. Real relationships are like yin-yang symbols where the people have differences but they accept each other despite these differences. You’re searching for this ideal match, which is like saying you want to date yourself, only the male version. That’s impossible possible, since there are not two yous. It may seem like I’m simplifying this, but even smart people, like you seem to be, can get so lost in the details that they become clueless about what a true relationship is about. A real relationship is actually very simple.

You may be saying to yourself: “This guy thinks he can just step in here and be my therapist. Perfect, just what I need!” Well, maybe you could use some help from someone, whether me or someone else. I’m just trying to help you, not be a know-it-all a-hole, so take this to heart.

Back to the yin-yang concept. Good relationships always have conflicts sometimes. It’s as simple as that. Conflict can be healthy if the two people maintain respect for each other. People often think they should avoid conflict in relationships but the healthy thing is to engage with the other person in a useful way. The fact is, good relationships take work. If you keep looking for your ideal match, all you are doing is condemning yourself to be single. You’re saying you don’t want to to love anyone because you don’t love yourself.

One way to change this way of thinking is to imagine what you would do if you knew your life would end soon. For instance if you were diagnosed with a terminal illness. Then imagine you find out a few weeks afterwards that you in fact don’t have the disease. It’s amazing how this can change the way you think about life.

Good luck to you…the Therapist is now leaving the building…


I know you wrote me with the best intentions and I appreciate that you’re trying to help me. However, as I’m sure you can relate to, I don’t enjoy being analyzed by someone I don’t know.

I don’t think we’d be a good match because I tend to get along best with people who don’t judge me.



Well Brittany, maybe you just need a different kind of therapist.

Please take a look at the dribble in your profile. It screams, “desperation, frustration, and self-importance” — and that’s just the beginning. This completely repels men. No one wants a woman who says she’s been on dating sites a long time. That’s like a food mart selling cheese that they say has been on their shelf for years. Yum, give me some of that cheese! Right.

Basically, you just wrote a bunch of meaningless crap. You want to put men in mental classification boxes. You want a man who’s a robot, not a living human being. Relationships are about growing with our partners, not trying to get someone who fits a stupid list!

Now, let’s delve into the most mixed up part of your dribble which is just screaming to be analyzed. You tell this story on your profile about a guy you met who introduced you to his friend and how you and her are now great friends. Do you think men really want to hear about your platonic bisexuality? Why do you even mention it? Why not just say you’re gay and leave it at that?

In brief, Brittany, get over all the small-minded psychological traps you’ve fallen into. Embrace people instead of hiding behind your “niceness” and putting demands on everyone. You are basically turning into an old shrew.

Best of luck!

PS –  If you don’t mind, I need to get back to drinking my coffee. It’s getting cold.


 You’re a sick puppy. Get a hobby.


I hope that those of you who have one go home to your significant other tonight (male, platonic-bisexual-friend, or otherwise) and having fabulous sex in honor of this awesome email thread! — Brittany Bitchsmith



  1. There are so many things wrong with this, I don’t know where to begin. Someone should email this guy a tip or two on writing a coherent piece of correspondence. And anyway, isn’t the point of a dating site to let potential suitors know what your preferences are so they can keep moving along if they don’t like what you have to say? I hope this guy has a stick to beat off all the ladies, because he’s a real charmer.

  2. The only message my okCupid profile has received this year read thusly:

    “What a coincidence I think about boobs too. All day while I work, while my bf eats my pussy, allllllllllll day. RAWR.”

    According to her profile, she’s a born again Christian.

  3. Of course she is. Oral is totally a sacrament.

  4. I hope you sent him a link to this article! Hahaha!

  5. I especially love him using the word “dribble.”. What he means is drivel, but he doesn’t really have the vocabulary to use that word. He is so busy pretending to be smart that he’s fooled himself into thinking that he actually is. Dribble is what you do to a basketball and with a too full glass. Drivel is what he wrote.

  6. Hey, Mr. Jerk ass, guess what? You’re ALSO on a dating site, and failing miserably to impress the opposite sex. Congratulations! What a tool.

  7. Aaron — LOVE the basketball-and-full-glass visual. Totally got me laughing. Yeah, this guy is a grade-A chick magnet. His confidence and magnetism drive me WILD with desire. Put-downs are SO sexy! I want to do him right now.

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